This month marks the one year to my loss. NOT a day goes by that I don't think to myself about what my life would be like if the pregnancy went ok. Would I be where I am today? Would I have all the things I have now? I don't think so. Sometimes in my heart I can feel that same feeling that I once felt when I heard the doctor announce my threatned AB. So a year has gone by... and here I am. Praying that my little one is watching over.

My Lost Little One

As I sit here and think of my lost little one I think of what you would have been like, Would you have looked like me? Would you have fit the family? I think about you and wonder my darling, I wish I could have met you, if only held you once, I know you had to be taken away, to be at home where I too will be one day, I know my lost little one that you are gone, gone but not forever In my heart I know that one day we will be there together, And I will never let you go, No one will hurt you, my lost little one, I fought for you, please believe me I did I fought to save you, but he was just too strong, He took you away, and left me that day, I want you to know I love you, and to know I am sorry, for making you go, the way you did, the doctors said it didnt hurt you, that you had not felt anything, and I hope they were true, because I could feel everything I wish I could do it again, I would have been gone, gone away with you, so that he could not do us wrong I would do anything for you, you are my child, my shining star, my life I know my words can not change the past, but they can change the future, My lost little one, it will never happen to your brothers or sisters, I will protect them to the death, I will not let them go too, I had to lose you, that was hard enough to do. You are my first and believe me I remember you, I love you my child, my little one, my baby I miss you.

i don't feel the need to update, but than again i kinda want to. blehhhhhh. here goes. prioritized.

school- let's just put it this way, "school is school". last semester i slacked my ass off like crazy. i was skipping every other day until it became an everyday habit. This semester it's different. I'mma do me & try to do it right.

family- so its not officially settled, but it's well on it's way there. my parents are filing for divorce it will be my mother's second failed marriage. my step-father took my car, my puppy, && miscellaneous money from my child support && money that insurace gave back to me after I totaled my Corrolla. He's supposed to be moving out of the house, but I'm not too sure when. Sometime before the summer I hope. *crosses fingers* SO right now he is still currently living at the house talking to his new found girlfriend/wife-to-be tramp/whore/slut/skank (which whom he met/found in Laos) on the phone 24/7. He actually had the NERVE to ask my mother to help him bring her over to the states. First, he CHEATS on her and expects my mother to help him?!? He has got to be fucking out of his retarded mind. I also might add that he refuses to pay for anything & is freeloading off everything that my mother pays for. His manhoe dirrtyy ass thinks he's king of the damn world and can sit in MY BATHROOM and smoke in it. Shiity Bastard!! ugh. At home we don't commnicate, he's a disgrace and pathetic excuse for all mankind.

friends- you win some. you lose some. shit happens yo. I'm not happy how and the way things ended, but I'm happy with the way things are going. I learned more about myself and who my friends were/are. A lot of you may know about the situations, but no one knows the reality of it all. No more looking back though it's all about moving forward and looking ahead. Tomorrow doesn't promise the future, and today happened because of the causes yesterday. All in all people think that I don't care, but if I didn't I would of done something about it. Time and destiny will play it's course. Everyone you meet along the road of life are brought to you for a purpose your goal is to find out that reason.

work- yepp. still working at Fricker's. Last November was my 1 year there. On && off at Tokyo wasn't working for me, even though I loved dressing up and sitting @ the bar and talking people. Public Relations: Communications is my true calling. Not gonna lie I miss the business attire. hemm. Platinum showgirls was a temporary job & there was a lot of getting used to, but it turned out to be something totally unexpected. At least I got to do something before I died. I worked at a strip bar. hehe. my hair stylist is actually opening a spa && her mother chose me as a perfect candidate to be a part of their team. All I know is that the job description involves little girls who go there for get togethers and parties I just make them feel like their my little princesses, because I'm the queen. =] I'm really geeked though. I'm also looking into factory work just to please my mom. Apparently, one of my girls and ex set a good example for the Laos community. bleh

boyfriend- what can I say. his name is Dustin. He's Filipino. He's from Michigan, but goes to school here in Ohio. He's going to be a future LPN. He drives a Mercedes. He reminds me of Diego Luna (plays Havier in Havana Nights Dirty Dancing). He has this sexxyy accent. && most importantly he's a broke ass college student. so that doesn't make me a gold digger. More like I call the shots & spoil him. That's right I wear the pants. tee hee. We met in September through mutual friends he came into work. We've been talking ever since, but made it "official" last month. So really we've only been together for a month, known each other for 5 && seems like we've been with each other for years. We are still learning a lot a lot more about each other. I just like to push his buttons and see how much he can take. I'm a bully I like to pick fights. =] I go to Michigan with him during the weekends sometime, he's very good to me. We know that we don't need each other to be happy, but just having each other makes us extra happy. =]

money- my mother was afraid that my step-father was going to get into the account & take the money. so she took my account which was at one time a tri-joined account with him,her, & myself. she took all the money and put it in hers. so as if of the moment, i'm a broke ass college student living off paycheck to paycheck. double ughhh.

health- anorexia. my eating disorder. when i can't starve myself I enjoy eating until I can't anymore and going to the restroom to vomit it all back out. I have this problem its called "love handles" or bka "muffin top" (not a full sized baked one, but one that was in the oven for about 1 minute). But I like to call it gut. Plain nastyyy gut, with some visible ab lines, but no abs. hehe. I try and try to work out, but I can't make it a habit. It's more like a once every two weeks when it needs to either be once or every other day til 3 times a week. ehh. my goal was to lose some weight before the summer. who knows? there are times where I did lose a couple pounds and times where I gained some. i lose a lot of calories doing "other activties". =]

miscellaneous- This weekend one of best buds baby shower. Spring Break! Working most of it though. Next weekend March 8-11; going to Michigan to celebrate his birthday. He's an old fart at 22. =] The week after that the 17th my mother, Dustin & I are going to Columbus for one of mother's friends party. I'm excited in May I get to go to Arizona & California to visit my cousins for two weeks.

**Ok. I think that about wraps everything up. I'll update more later.